What I used to love.

I've come to terms with myself and I admit that I am afraid to drive at night. I never used to be afraid to do so until my accident and no matter how how I try to force myself on the road (ie. on the way home from LA/OC) I still get white knuckles on my steering wheel and get really nervous changing lanes. I always have a constant battle between what I see and what I think I see, I know for a fact that I'm clear to make a safe lane change but a part of me will always wait that .2 seconds and hold my breath hoping that I'm not going to get hit again.

At first I thought maybe it's just a phase that I'll eventually get over, give or take a month or so... but it's been well over 3 months and I still can't find myself to be comfortable to drive at night. I'm honestly afraid to die from a car accident because I was so close to death in my accident, it scares the living crap out of me at the thought it could happen to me again at any time. The fear has consumed me to the point where I cannot be a passenger at night without freaking out or finding a way to constantly distract me, it's that bad and it makes me really sad. Then my imagination just starts to wander, the thought of it happening to ANYONE.. my family, my friends, tony.. if I lost anyone due to an accident (or death in general) I'd be miserable and I don't know why I trouble myself with these thoughts, I know it's unhealthy...but I feel like it's a part of me now that I'll never be able to shake off.

On top of that, I have the fear that I'll lose my car again. Charlie had a very sentimental value to me, my first actual car (apart from guapo), he took me everywhere in my college life and survived with me. I grew an attachment to my car just like an Asian boy and their car, that was me and Charlie. The fact that I lost him so suddenly scares me that I might lose Murfee the same way, and belieeeeeeeve me.. I love Murfee...so that fear also adds on. It's weird I know, it's just a car...but...I mean, eh it's more than just a car to me.

What sucks the most is that I used to love driving, I used to use driving as my zen as my way of escape from the world. Safely in my little box on wheels to myself, singing and in deep thought about life while I let others pass me by...

Now?

It's like my paranoia has sky rocketed to the point where I feel like I'm driving on a land-mine and everyone is driving at 1000000 mph and I'm just going to get hit at any second. By the time I get home my hands are all sweaty and my heart is racing... although according to my passengers you can't really tell. I guess it's all in my head... I don't like to trouble my passengers.

Anyway, I know a lot of you might agree that I probably shouldn't be driving if this is the case of how I am behind a wheel, but trust me when I say I'm good to drive...unfortunately I just don't enjoy it anymore. I hope that this will blow over soon, I'll always remember the accident but I hope the fear that it dug into me will eventually find it's way out.