I used to log in my daily thoughts when I started my new meds, but I found it completely exhausting writing the same thing day after day thinking there wouldn’t be an end to “still feeling incredibly sick…”
To my surprise, my ill filled weeks turned into seemingly normal days. Whatever “normal” meant. The side effects subsided and I suppose the medicine has finally found a resting place in my inner-workings.
The biggest difference? I’m less frazzled. I don’t freak out. I don’t get anxious. I finally found the courage to drive at night. It took about 2 years of denial & a stubborn attitude to finally get behind the wheel and not feel like every single nerve in my body was going to explode. I like that. I like that a lot.
But what did I have to give up in exchange for a peaceful and neutralized mind? I use this ever so lightly, but I suppose you may say, my happiness. The drive to be happy, to be excited…to be anything but neutral or sad. I haven’t been able to design the way I used to. I simply do it now for the sake of my job, but I have no will to to sit down and channel in my inner designer. It could be the fact that I am no longer happy at my home and the frustrations that carry at my place spills in with my medication leaving me utterly exhausted.
I am completely debilitated.
My body has never felt so defeated in my life. Granted, I am still pushing as hard as I can at the gym and maintaining a healthy life, but apart from all that, I’m still very beat.
I exercise happiness through my family, friends, and boyfriend. I try to stray away from being fully conscious of the fact that there’s this little tiny bit of medication in me trying to strip away any sort of excitement I may want to feel.
I know that it will pass. I know that I’ll regain my normal self and design my heart away. I know that in two months I’ll be able to call my next home, “home” and I know that in my new home, I’ll be able to get away from any extra frustrations my medication and life may give me and just be myself.
On a much different note (but rather tangent)
I feel like I owe the world to my boyfriend, who has since day one of this entirely new life of mine, has been extremely supportive & helpful. I find comfort whenever I’m around him because anywhere else I find stress and frustration. I hope he doesn’t ever think that I am simply attempting to stay by his side to feed the “needy” side of me. I never plan to be a burden and I hate that I feel that I am. But I know he’ll never think that way of me. But still, I feel terrible. Thank you for putting up with me.
I’d like my normal self back. But more importantly, I’d like to be able to sleep a full nights sleep.
Cheers to 5 more months on this medication. Cheers to a better life. If only it didn’t suck so much getting there.
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